What Does It Really Mean to Understand Women’s Pleasure?

Sophia O'Connor
Sep 16
4 min read

When was the last time you truly thought about what pleasure means to you—not as something to give or receive from someone else, but as your own experience? So many women grow up hearing about their bodies through the lens of reproduction or appearance, not pleasure. Yet pleasure isn’t just an indulgence—it’s part of emotional wellbeing and sexual health.

Studies show that about 40% of women experience feeling disconnected from their sexual desire at some point in their lives, and one of the most common challenges is difficulty reaching orgasm. This isn’t because women are “broken” or “complicated.” More often, it’s because no one ever taught them how their bodies actually work—relationship disconnection, or feeling pressure to perform sex rather than center their pleasure.

Let’s talk about the Vulva!

Understanding your anatomy can be liberating. The vulva is everything external—the clitoris, labia, and vaginal opening. The clitoris itself has over 8,000 nerve endings, making it the most sensitive part of the body. What many people don’t realize is that the clitoris isn’t just the small nub you can see—it’s actually a much larger structure that extends internally like wishbone-shaped roots. Also, contrary to what is shown in porn most women do not orgasm from penetration alone.

Research shows that only a minority of women orgasm from penetration alone (without additional clitoral stimulation).

Large surveys and studies consistently find that 1 out of 5 of women are able to orgasm from penetration by alone.
The majority of women— around 75–85% — need direct clitoral stimulation (either during or in addition to penetration) to reach orgasm during sex.

So, it’s very common, normal, and healthy for women to need more than penetration.

The clitoris and the vulva work together like a symphony. Arousal increases blood flow, sensitivity rises, and your brain starts firing off feel-good neurotransmitters. Pleasure isn’t just physical—it’s also deeply tied to relaxation (managing your mental load), body image (perception of self), and feeling safe and emotionally connected with your partner.

Explore your Pleasure – So you can bring it to the Bedroom

Pleasure doesn’t have to mean penetrative sex. It can be sensual touch, erotic literature, mindful exploration, or solo sessions. Pleasure is all about creating a context with yourself or a partner that feels sexy and get your out of your head! Self-exploration is often the easiest way to learn what feels good without the pressure of performing for someone else. You can then be more directive with partners also, because you know what your body responds to.

A good place to start with exploring your pleasure is making sure you have some high quality lube and a vibrator at all times next to the bed for sex or shared pleasure. Again, most women need adequate lubrication & clitoral stimulation easily accessible. So no shame in giving your body what it needs, whatever it needs! Sometimes people feel shame or stigma using sex toys during sex which is not liberating but again layering more pressure. The truth is most women as stated about do not climax from penetration alone & sometimes manually stimulating the clitoris during partnered sex can be hard at best or totally inaccessible depending the position!

A great lube I recommend is anything that is from uberlube that is silicone based (cannot be used with silicone sex toys however). Another magical lube company is foria which is all botanical and oil based. If you want to get a vibrator but don't know where to start, here is a New York Times article with some of the various best voted vibrators since 2014 (this isn’t a one size fits all). I myself love the sex toys from Lelo's clitoral vibrators as a personal preference, they are really high quality.

Let’s Talk About the Mental Side of Pleasure

Our minds are just as important as our bodies when it comes to pleasure. Stress, shame, and unrealistic expectations can all dampen desire. Working with a sex therapist can help break down these barriers. Sex therapy isn’t about “fixing” you—it’s about creating space to talk openly, process past experiences, and build a healthier relationship with your sexuality.

Many women are socialised from a young age to think about everybody else’s needs first and be demure and nurturing. When it comes to vibrant sexual energy, we women need to lean into more ‘healthy selfishness’, centering what we want, asking for sex that actually feels worth having.

Therapists often encourage mindfulness techniques, communication skills for partners, and challenging any internalized socialization that is getting in the way of you feeling in touch with your sexual power & vibrancy. This process can feel slow at first, but it often leads to more confidence and comfort in your own skin—something that ripples far beyond the bedroom INTO YOUR WHOLE LIFE!

The Bottom Line

Pleasure is not your birthright. It’s not something you need to earn or justify. It’s a part of knowing yourself, loving your body, and feeling whole. The more we talk about it, the less taboo it becomes—and the easier it gets for women to embrace their sexuality without guilt or confusion. This can start in the therapy room but the goal is to be in touch with your pleasure and confidence in any room you walk into!

So give yourself permission to be curious, to explore, and to celebrate your body as it is because there is so much pleasure in it waiting to be unlocked. Living a life of pleasure is not just a matter of sex, its political. Many women have been taught to not be in touch with their voices, bodies or pleasure. When you reclaim those disowned parts of you, the way you walk through this world and your life radically shifts. And you will start to feel more in touch with your intuition, yes orgasms, but also joie de vivre.